Hey all... I've returned from the Comics On Duty Christmas tour of the Middle East. I've posted a lot of the photos from the trip in the photos section of my site... check 'em out... more coming soon as well as various amusing stories from the trip... keep checking back!

- Jesse

Hey all, just letting everyone know, I'm leaving tomorrow (December 20) for the Middle East for a month. I'm doing shows over Christmas with Comics On Duty for the troops all over Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Bahrain, Qatar, Djbouti (North Africa) and the U.S.S. Harry Truman in the Gulf (Persian... not Of Mexico). I'll be sure to observe blogworthy oddities for the bemusement of my dozens of faithful readers. Have a great holiday! - Jesse, OUT.

I start this post with this statement... I support the troops... My brother is a troop. I think he's the greatest, and I wish him a safe return from Iraq. I am going to Iraq myself to entertain aforementioned troops this Christmas. That having been said:

Recently I found myself in Toledo Ohio doing the comedy - as I have chosen to forego the possibility of ever owning property and thrown myself wholeheartedly into the pursuit of a career as Circus Gypsy, bringing humor to the delight of dozens of inebriated comedy club patrons in villages across America.

The vocation I have chosen does allow me the opportunity to see the unusual as I am out of my element frequently, and to document it as a professional humorist.

As I sat at a red light on the corner of South Reynolds Road and Heatherdowns Dr. I was bemused to discover this rag-tag posse:
That’s right seven… yes count them SEVEN Iraq war protesters… Shouting at cars… on a street corner… in front of the BP gas station... in Toledo, Ohio.

Now look, I’m very much in favor of our First Amendment… I’m totally behind the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances… HOWEVER… what the fuck good does it do for the seven of you to yell at cars on their way to Linnens ‘N Things to “Bring Our Troops Home!”? Are we, the commuters of Toledo, the ones holding everything up over there? Wow, I had no idea they were waiting on me to give the word... I've apparently really been asleep at the wheel metaphorically speaking over the whole Iraq issue.

Why not shoot over to Columbus, the state capital, maybe invite a few dozen more and yell at state legislators?

I feel it to be the same hollow gesture people make when they place a “Free Tibet” sticker on the back of their Hundai. Who burn out? ME? Are you suggesting that it is my mission to free Tibet? I’m heading to Munklin Maine for a one nighter, and you’re on your way to wash dishes at Applebees and talk to the cook about your band… I think we’re both gonna have to put off Tibeten liberation til at least tomorrow.

So I guess the message of this post is that we should really start writing our local legislators with one voice so that we can pull all the troops out of that fuckin’ gas station in Toledo. Half a dozen people are really pissed and DOING SOMETHING about it. And while we’re at it…. let’s bring Tibet home… it’s what the Beastie Boys would want.

When I drive in to the city as I frequently do, on my way to Gotham Comedy Club, where I can often be found performing, I pass this building all the time and it always strikes me as odd. It's on 23rd St. in Manhattan and here it is:

it's called "The Firefighter Dan DeFranco Building." It has always struck me as peculiar, that they had to clarify that the building's namesake is in fact "THE FIREFIGHTER" Dan Defranco... as though they were sick of having people walk in off the street to the Dan DeFranco building and asking:

Jackass off the Street: "Excuse me, maybe you can help me settle a bet... is the name on the front of this building in reference to the member of Eric Samson's Hip Hop Company Center Stage since the age of seven Dan DeFranco?"

Desk Guy: "No, Dan DeFranco (1934-96) was a firefighter and union rep who promoted health and safety issues."

Jackass off the Street: "You mean Dan DeFranco of Round the Clock Entertainment - New Jersey’s number one DJ Entertainment company ?"

Desk Guy: What? No. I just told you, he was a New York City Firefighter."

Jackass off the Street: "Oh, you must be talking about friend of Pine Lake Advocate, Dan DeFranco who submitted a records request for the noise study conducted by JGL Acoustics for the City at Ebright Creek Park?"

Desk Guy: "Are you fuckin' high? Dan DeFranco was a firefighter. He fought fires."

Jackass off the Street: "Cause you know there's a Hydroplane Racer named Dan DeFranco. Are ya talking about him...?"

Desk Guy: "Does he fight fires?"

Jackass off the Street: "Well no..."

Desk Guy: "Then probably not then right?"

Jackass off the Street: "Ok... ok... but it's gotta be named after Dan DeFranco, the "Person to Contact" regarding the Final Permit to Install Certified Mail for American Japanning Incorporated in Cuyahoga County, OH correct?"

Desk Guy: "I'm not even going to answer that... and what the fuck is Japanning?"

Jackass off the Street: "I really have no idea... I didn't think you could make Japan a verb."

"Hey wait a hot minute... I just remembered there's a kid who kicks fied goals for Elder High School named Dan DeFranco! Did you guys go ahead and name a building after him?"

Desk Guy: "Are you retarded? I'm calling security."

Jackass off the Street: "Hey! Do you mean Junior at Lake Forest College Dan Defranco who when asked by the school paper, The Stentor, about Moore Hall changing it's name to Moore Wellness Hall said "I could care less about it," - in spite of the fact that he "COULDN'T care less about it" unless Dan is making a meaningless non-point addressing the fact that it's possible that there are other goings on in this vast world that he cares less about... or more likely that he made a common grammatical error when in fact he meant to imply that there is no possible way for him to care less about the adding of the word "wellness" to Moore Hall? If you can care less about it Dan, then DO. Is that the Dan DeFranco to whom you're referring?"

Desk Guy: No, but that infuriates me too when people misuse "couldn't care less!" Dan DeFranco was a brave Firefighter and you're dishonoring his memory. Now get fuck outta here."

Jackass off the street leaves...

Desk Guy: "We gotta change that goddamn sign."

I think that must have been how it went. AND SCENE.

I am thrilled that people who stood in line for 14 hours to get the iPhone the very second it came out are pissed that they lowered the price. Good for you... I figured maybe you would have learned your lesson when you purchased your laser disc player, but perhaps no?

You see them occasionally in suburbia... these a-holes who have an enormous monument in their front yard that looms awkwardly for all to see commemorating the fact that "I made a poorly-researched retarded immediate technological impulse buy in 1985" Because 8 months later they came out with very tiny satellite dishes that hang inconspicuously off some high corner of the roof... but not this guy... he wants to advertise to everyone who drives down the street that he's capable of watching Portuguese Soap Operas... but will never again be able to mow his lawn properly. You don't work for NASA, nor do you transmit a wacky morning radio program from your home... take that shit out of your yard.

I'd like to make a short film of my middle finger and mass produce copies on beta tapes and mail it to everyone who owns the iPhone, because I'm certain they have a beta player somewhere in their nuclear fall out shelter they built to survive the Russian Cold War invasion.

I was on the college campus of the Indiana University recently and they had a public service add in the restroom warning us of the dangers of Gonorrhea. That's all well and good, but here was the poster:
now I'm not a zoologist nor do I know much about sexually transmitted diseases... I don't really know how one contracts Gonorrhea, but I have a feeling letting a lizard crawl around in your pants might be one way. Maybe if this fella found himself a girlfriend instead of letting a gecko tickle his nutsack, he might get a clean bill of health from the free clinic. I don't know if you can get Gonorrhea that way, but I'm pretty sure it's a good way to get yourself a little genital salmonella or Lyme Disease. Leave the animal kingdom alone ya pervert. I think we should get Chris Hanson on this... Set up a few hidden cameras in Pet's Mart. When the 37 year old unshaven comic book shop owner walks in for the prearranged "meeting" in a coffee stained Captain America t-shirt, have the Geico lizard call to him from behind one of the isles "Be there in a jiff, just puttin' me laundry in the wash!" and when said comic book proprietor sits down, Chris Hanson appears with the rolled up printed out correspondence between pervert and "lizard" (who's really a detective from the Detroit Special Victim's Unit) and announces "What are ya doin' here?" Nervously the sweaty geek tugs at the ripped collar of his oily shirt, squirms in his chair and without making eye contact, shakily sells the "I was worried about the lizard... he said he didn't have a heat lamp and I was just gonna put him in my pants to help keep him warm... they're cold blooded you know." - Listen everybody, help stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Keep lizards, and all reptiles for that matter, out of your pants.

So, I just got back to New York City tonight after a couple weeks on the road. Last night I spent the evening visiting with my parents in Pittsburgh. I got back tonight from the drive and wanted to send them a text to inform them that I had not died on the journey back. I was driving whilst texting, which I know is unsafe... and I hammered out a quick message "Made it back to NYC. Good seeing you again. I love you guys! - JJ" ... or so I thought... and I'm very glad I checked it before I sent it, because what I had actually typed is "Made it back to NYC. Good seeing u again. I love guys! - JJ" That's right... I almost exclaimed to my parents via text message "I love guys!" Never has the letter "u" played a more crucial role in a parental - son correspondence. And even though we both know that I'm not, what an awkward way for them to be told that their oldest son has suddenly switched teams... via a 119 character text message excitedly (see exclamation point) professing my love for guys. So my lesson to you all is this: please spell check your text messages or you might ruin Thanksgiving.

So I just saw that they have opted to make Legally Blonde the musical. Where does it end? The broadway stage USED to be reserved for artistic expression. I’ve decided to stop working so hard at creating original material or trying to actually say something with my comedy and devote myself entirely to rehashing forgettable inane films into musical format.

Here’s a few I’m currently working on:
Dude Where’s my Car THE MUSICAL!
Weekend at Bernie’s 2
Big Momma’s House starring Brian Dennehy as Big Momma

I’ve also decided to pervert some of the classics so that they’re accessible to tourists… I’m adapting some of the various stuffy works of Shakespeare, John Milton, Dostoyevsky and Jack London:

I’m thinking Hamlet & Grommit – It’s a hilarious story about a tortured Danish prince who has wild adventures trying to avenge his father’s death with a cartoon dog who’s too smart for his own good. There’s a hilarious adapted scene in the burial chamber of his father where Hamlet gives his “to be or not to be” soliloquy but his concentration is broken by the disruptive, comical sounds of Grommit drinking from the toilet!

Paradise Lost… in New York! – Lucifer falls from heaven after being ousted by the Archangels and lands in the Bronx. He becomes a cab driver and he and Jimmy Fallon fight crime while becoming fast friends in spite of their differences. Jimmy helps Lucifer in his bumbling attempts to get back at God by perverting humanity, one drunk passenger at a time, while Lucifer trys to help Jimmy meet Mrs. Right.

The Call of the vanWILDer – A tale of a wiener dog named Bucko, who’s the Gamma Kappa Kappa’s fraternity mascot, getting in touch with his primal instincts to bite pledges and hump the legs of sorority chicks at a small Alaskan junior college.

Crime & Punishment & Dupree – It’s a hilarious story about Raskolnikov, a poor Russian student who is driven mad both by the racking guilt of having killed a pawnbroker in an act of revenge, and by his new housemate Dupree who drinks all his soda without asking and charges up a hefty phone sex bill on Raskolnikov’s office line!

And while I’m at it, since nothing’s sacred anymore in the arts, why don’t I utilize my art and art history background to contemporize some arcane classic paintings as well… you know, update them, so the kids will give a fuck and put ‘em as the profile pic on their myspace pages…

I figure, why not take Van Gogh’s classic painting “The Night Café” and give it a little contemporary corporate flair… how’s about “The Night STARBUCKS Café” Ha?
I gave it a little pazzaz, made it accessible to the everyman… I added the logo and a few powerbooks. NOW you should care and go to a museum.

I also figured, why not take Gustave Callibote’s “Paris, a Rainy Day” and spruce that up a bit… I mean when you hear “Paris” NOBODY thinks of a classic metropolitan European capital anymore… so I added Paris Hilton getting arrested – which was certainly a “Rainy Day” for her… and for all of us.

A note to the entertainment industry and artistic community, we don’t need Legally Blond the musical any more than we need Dvorak ringtones or a marble bust of David Hasslehoff.

I feel like this is some kind of artistic manifesto that will get me fired from the business, like what happened to Jerry McGuire… hey that gives me an idea for a musical.

Hey all, I'm writing this from Manila in the Philippines... I promise when I return I'll have lots of amusing observations to share with you. All I can tell you so far is that I told some dude in Manila here today that I'm a comedian and he seemed clearly amused and chirped that "all comedians here are gay" I'll get to the bottom of that one and find out what that's about. - Heterosexual American Comedian Jesse Joyce out for now.... well, not out... but you know... "out" like in "over and out"... nevermind.

A few things...

There are plenty of site updates... just click on the media link below this window, there's a new clip of me on Comedy Central, and some audio clips from my latest Bob and Tom appearance last month...

Also, if you happen to be in the Phoenix area, I'm going to be on my girlfriend's morning show on 93.3 The KDKB morning show with JR and Marci... you can listen on line if you're up this morning (tues). Oh yeah, I guess I should have mentioned, I have a girlfriend... and no I'm not dating JR.

In my recent travels I came across two businesses in the Greater Indianapolis Metropolitan area with two of the most ridiculous names I have seen in a while...

that's right... "Bird Fever." Wow. I believe this worthy of being considered for the "lack of foresight of the year award." Really? Bird Fever?

I would love to have been there to see the owners' faces in 2003 when the first known cases of bird flu came around. He comes in to open the shop, hands full of seed bags and a large cup of camomile tea, newspaper tucked neatly under the arm of his red snowman sweater... he probably says hi to each bird by name (probably each named after characters from The Music Man). He goes behind the counter, sets down the seeds, begins to sip his tea as he opens the paper and stares at the headline, thinking to himself "What is this? What are they calling it? 'Bird Flu?' Why in criminey would they call... sweet merciful buddah, I'm ruined"

Even before we'd heard of bird flu, why the fuck would you name your establishment after something that sounds less like a pet store and more like something you would contract after drinking out of a stagnant brown African puddle. When I heard "Bird Fever" I don't think reasonably priced supplies for my Cocteau, Mr. Beans, I think eye hemorrhaging.

If you're in the Chicago area, give a listen tomorrow morning May 9 to Q101... I'm going to be on the morning show with my buddy Alan Cox. He used to be a radio guy in Pittsburgh and has since moved back to Chicago to host the show... he's a hilarious guy so it should be a good time... I'm going to be on starting at 7am... so listen up.

I was under the impression that Shell Stations, seeing as it is a national chain, would try it's best to remain non-partisan. But apparently, this Shell Station has opted to celebrate it's cession from other roadside proprietors of petroleum and string cheese. I inquired within as to why they chose to sail a rebel flag on the premises, and Eli "Booger" Hitchins, the night manager/owner/sheriff/deputy mayor/frog-gigsman of Whistlebottom, Mississippi informed me that it symbolized "Service Stations' Rights." Curious, I pressed him for more information. "The right to just what exactally?" I asked. He informed me that the flag represented the right of each franchise to establish their own individual prices for jerky depending upon the availability and going local market price for raccoon meat at the time of sale without the beaurocratic interference of the larger mother corporation... oh and the right to own black people... they always forget to mention that.

My good friend and fellow comedian, Dan Allen discovered this one in a surf shop in Florida. While Florida is perhaps considered an "appropriate place" a boogie board is not. Boogie boarding is not so much rebellious behavior as it is "passive-aggressive surfing for the obesce and/or uncoordinated."

I think this is one of my new favorites:

That's right... it's a birdhouse... with a radical agenda. I don't understand why one would take the time to paint a confederate flag on a birdhouse... unless you're an avid avian enthusiast looking for a way to bring your birdwatching hobby to the comfort of your own yard, but would like to do his or her best to feed most of your winged companions while simultaneously discouraging the black birds from tresspassing.



And lastly, I have seen this or some variation of this frequently as an argument for being allowed to display our 19th century Confederate Colors: Allright... Cool. Tell that to them:

Hey all...

It's a replica of the St. Louis Star-Times from Dec. 8 1941 announcing the Declaration of War and relating all the information about what happened the morning before at Pearl Harbor. I was struck with the fact that, rarely does an event occur with the kind of significance that it dominates EVERY article on the front page of the paper... Every article on the entire front page of the paper was about the incident, Roosevelt's speech, surveying the damage, the British reaction, what the next moves will be... EXCEPT ONE...

I swear to God, if you can get your hands on the Monday evening edition of the St. Louis Star-Times from Dec. 8 1941, take a look at the bottom right corner of the front page... (and this is why I wish I had a photo) it has in a small box, the "Lost and Found" section... and on it, it says, and I quote... "Lost, Leather Purse, Brown, if found, please contact the paper. Reward" What the f? It basically says, "Look everybody, I know that the world as we know it has been turned upside down, I know our entire Pacific Fleet has been incapacitated, and we're now exposed to the possibility of a Japanese invasion, we're at the dawn of a second world war, but if you happen to see a brown purse anywhere, I really need my chapstick. National calamities really dry out my lips... plus that purse was kind of expensive." So, I know everyone is distracted, but let's not forget that Marsha Buttonhoser misplaced her pocketbook on Sat. night, so let's all keep an eye out... "Remember Pearl Harbor and all that, but let's also not forget about that pocketbook."

Fuck you Marsha Buttonhoser... I hope someone found your purse, put a brick in it and sunk it to the bottom of the Pacific.

I just got back from doing one of the Comedy Central on Campus College tour shows... It was at the University of Virginia and we had a great time... After the show my buddy (and headliner of the tour) Christian Finnegan and I were hanging out in my room at the Double Tree... while we were hanging out, I happened to glance up and burst out laughing as I, for the first time noticed the painting adorning the wall of my room:
What the hell is going on here? It's not a great photo, I know, but basically the work depicts a blindfolded girl being handed a dog? There seems to be one boy in the foreground proposing marriage to the blindfolded subject whilst another boy pokes her in the head with a stick. Is this what people used to do for fun in the Rococo period?

I was an art history major and vaguely remember studying this or a similar work. I believe this to be entitled "Let's Blindfold Victoria and Get Her To Make Out With Buttons... Edward, You Get On Your Knees and Talk... She'll Think it's You, And if That Doesn't Work, Then Simon, You Beat Her With That Stick" or "Perverted Utopia" or "This is What Happens When You Paint When You're High on Opiates." It's one of those three... I can't exactly remember, but I believe it was either painted by Frederick Morgan or Michael Jackson's subconscious.

I appreciate that my blog has become interactive to the point that my casual blog readers have often sent me additional information I can use...


In response to my post (two down from here) about New York counting on it's 16 million eyes for help in thwarting terrorism, my friend from Pittsburgh, Liz, (who can be found here or a photo of her rack I proudly signed, which can be found here):

ANYWAY, Liz was kind enough to send me the Pittsburgh Police's plea for public scrutiny for suspicious activity which is, in my opinion, a lot more nonchalant... It's a lot less urgent than the New York version, and basically says, hey, look, you're probably busy, but if you've got a sec, take a look around, and if you see anything, give us a holler. I like the Pittsburgh approach. It makes me feel less guilty about rationalizing every paper bag tucked under a park bench and assuming "maybe it's someone's lunch" as opposed to "maybe it's a nuclear device disguised as an egg salad sandwich." AND, Pittsburgh is not asking for ALL of our eyes.. just an extra set... so if I'm too busy, that guy over there doesn't look like he's up to much... have him inspect that sandwich for a blue wire.

And lastly, I took this photo a while ago at a rest stop in Georgia... I didn't know why, it just struck me as kind of funny that they would mention that Jim Quinn was a "Blind Vendor." I assume that would make it difficult to stock the soda machine seeing as how all soda cans are the same size and shape and lack braille indications as to whether it's Dr. Pepper or Slim Fast or Clam Chowder. But given this whole "let's keep a lookout" homeland security campaign, this sign has taken a rather dark turn for me... I now can't stop thinking about this Jim Quinn and how he can't help us to look out for terrorism at that rest stop in Georgia... I think we need to get some people down there to inspect those machines, since we have a chink in our armor and it's the size of a Pepsi machine. God help us all.

It's been a while bloggees... had some trouble with the computer, but I'm back and will be regularly updating again...

It indicates to me that apparently I possess two of the city's 16 million eyes that are to keep a look out for suspicious activity. I saw that and was very reassured to know how many eyes we have in the city peeled for terrorism... until I got off the train and ran directly into this guy:
Sweet Merciful Jesus! We're down to 15,999,999 eyes. A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link, so terrorists, if you want to plant something somewhere, do it on this guy's watch... and do it to his left. We're all in trouble now. New York is left with it's belly exposed because this fuckin' guy is careless with scissors.

I was driving through Iowa at 3 in the morning, and I stopped to get gas, got out of the car, got 2 steps when my ears froze solid, cracked off my head, fell to the ground and shattered into a thousand indecernable fragments... I took a photo when I got back to the car of the outside temperature from the thermometer in the vehicle.
that's right NEGATIVE 7. I mentioned it to a polar bear friend of mine who I think said it best..."Iowa can go fuck itself in February."

I couldn't help but notice, there's a chain of gas stations throughout Nebraska and Iowa called the "Kum & Go" Forgiving the cutesy misusage of a "K" instead of a "C"... are you saving that much signage space by not spelling it with the "ome"... must we use the "um"

I would imagine there to be some double entendre along the lines of... "The Kum & Go, if you're a registered sex offender, in a hurry, a very poor speller, and low on fuel, then pump one out here, and pick yourself up a kup of hot joe and a glazed donut."

I'm kind of a jenious, I know.

By the way, when I tried to spell check this post, I think blogger almost exploded.

I had a cold about a month ago and was turned on to this: It's a product called "Airborne" and it helps strengthen your immune system. It really seems to work, but what I thought was odd about it is the little add line on the top of the box... it says "Created by a School Teacher!" What does that have to do with anything? Just because she's around kids with germs doesn't mean she understands the inner workings of boosting an immune system... you know who else is around germs all the time... inmates... but if one of them told me to put this powder in my beverage, I would have serious reservations.

It's a loose association is all... here are some other loose associative leaps we might end up seeing given the success of this product...

• Rum Flavored Birth Control

Created by a Sorority Chick!

• Hoops! Cross Training & Basketball Shoes

Created by a Black Guy!

• Stop Masturbating in Public Ointment

Created by a Bus Driver!

Hey everybody... I put a new 2 minute video up on the media page of my site... it's a true story about breaking down in a tunnel in Pittsburgh.

Check it out by going to the media page via the navigation bar underneath this window.

We have a winner in the "Confederate Flags in Innapropriate Places" search...

Thanks to a submission by my myspace friend Erin, we have officially found THE least appropriate place for a confederate flag.

And the winner is... Wow… that’s off putting on so many levels… Whenever there is a conspiracy perpetrated against the union you have to ask yourself… who benefits? According to this photographic evidence… the apparent benefactors seem to be Krispy Kreme and Michelob. Perhaps we should open an investigation into the seditious activities of the various donut and beer manufacturers as they seem to be getting a suspicious amount of confederate support. And that’s why we won.

I'm going to be part of the Comedy Central on Campus College Tour with my buddy Christian Finnegan...

It's an impressive lineup of super funny guys including:
Christian Finnegan
Joe DeRosa
Pablo Fransisco
Zach Galifianakis
Greg Giraldo
Jesse Joyce
Tracey Morgan
Aires Spears
Nick Thune

Check out the Comedy Central Website for tour details and locations... I'll be posting the dates I'm doing as they come in on my schedule page as well.

I drove by this truck on the highway in Minnesota... confederate flag stickers on the windows... Minnesota plates.
once again, consult the map below.


If any of my readers ever see a confederate flag in an inappropriate place, please send them to me, at jesse@jessejoyce.com. I'm amassing an impressive collection.

When I was home in Pittsburgh for Christmas, I found this at my parents house... look how fortuitous this was... It's from a little profile book they published when I graduated from 8th grade in Dayton Ohio, and as it is now 2007, I thought it was appropriate to look back upon:

The prophecy is pretty damn accurate... I would hope I put on a few pounds... I was weighing in at about 72 when I was 13. Although I do wonder how "famous" my comedy acts are... but I guess reading "basic cable famous" doesn't read as easily.

When I was thirteen, I listed my hobby as "Telling funny jokes" and I listed "Ambition" as "To be a comedian." Based on the photo of me, bespectacled and wired with braces, you can see why I developed "Telling funny jokes" as a "defense mechanism"

I listed my happiest moment as "Telling a good joke." I am kind of surprised that I had myself as well figured as I did when I was 13 years old.

Just thought that was kind of adorable.

I saw this in a restroom in Pittsburgh:

That's a lot of rules... they take their employees washing their hands very seriously... but the sign was posted on this:
you are then to dry your hands on one of those belt-sander permanent rotating towel thingies that has not been cleaned since the Carter administration. You are to wash your hands with warm water and antibacterial soap for at least 20 seconds, and then dry them on our aids towel we have conveniently nailed to the wall of a saloon bathroom... Don't worry, most of the vomit from the towel gets cleaned off on our employees hands.

Hey everybody... Just in case anyone is interested, I'm headlining at the Funnybone in Pittsburgh this week... I did a local morning tv show called Pittsburgh Today Live.

Here's a link: http://kdka.com/video/?id=23331@kdka.dayport.com

The spell my name with the infernal "i" as in JessIe... and then later Jesse... the teleprompter guy was veriy drunk.

I saw this outside a martial arts center:

It's advertising the "Grandmaster Iron Kim Style" of fighting... intimidating yes? Well... that's until you're confronted with this: That's right... I'm highly trained in the Art of "GrandMother Iron Beatrice Style." So watch your back bitches.

I'm very excited about this everyone... I can now update the photos page... it has been the same 23 photos since this damn website was put up... but now I can put up new photos whenever the hell I want... they're not in thumbnail format anymore... but thumbnails be damned... there's new ones... I was finally able to put up the photo of my mom and a koala bear! Just click on the photos link right below this blog window.

There's also 2 new videos... check out the media page by clicking the link below on this page and you can see my Comedy Central appearance on Live At Gotham... AND a new video that was part of a pilot I shot of me doing an 8 minute set in New York.

I'll be updating both more regularly now that I can do it... So keep checking back on the photo and video pages as well as the blog...

Huzzah!

Look how big the head is on the wheelchaired silhouette of this hanicapped parking space...

the painters apparently used the rarely popular Timmy from South Park stencil.
If your head is bigger than the wheels on your wheelchair, how do you even fit your gigantic wobbly head in a car be able to utilize the handicapped spaces?

I thought this was fucking hilarious... I was working this weekend at a comedy club in Belmont North Carolina... Typically when you go to a club they have the headshots of the comedian performing that weekend with a few little bulletpoint credits indicating where you might have seen this comic before... Usually they just rehash your bio... on mine they typically put Comedy Central's Live At Gotham, AMC, Bob and Tom, Entertainment Tonight, XM, some variation of that etc... WELL... if you ever took the time to read my bio, there's a line at the bottom which I think is kind of cutesy and funny stating: "Jesse has entertained audiences all over the U.S., Canada, Ireland and Switzerland where he has appointed himself "The Father of Swiss Comedy" as he's the only comedian he's ever heard of performing in Switzerland. Which any rational person would recognize is a cute joke... I swear to God, this is what one of my credits was on my headshot at the club:

They actually legitimately credited me as having fathered Swiss comedy... Unbelievable.

I had a date recently and was in kind of a hurry to get there, as said date is quite hot and seems to think I'm amusing... in such a hurry that I ran a red light. What I though was so interesting about the experience is what the cop wrote on the ticket I received...

He put under "Nature of Offence" that "Actor drove through steady red signal." Granted I've been in the entertainment industry for quite a while... At this point I must apparently exude a star quality compelling enough, that without disclosing my profession, this astute civil servant inherently knew that I must be an actor or entertainer in some capacity.

It could also be that when he pulled me over I immediately launched into a Macbeth soliloquy... note to readers... Shakespeare will not get you out of a ticket... in the past I've had more luck with crying and showing my boobs.

This was in a gas station in Mulberry Indiana:

You can get a spray of generic compatable Hilfiger, Polo or any number of other name brand colognes... for just a quarter! And it suggests that you will "Feel Fantastic"... really? I don't usually feel fantastic when I reek of paint thinner... actually I think I'd feel fantasticlly awkwardly perching myself on the toilet overflowing with grey water in the john at a Snuffy's Gas, Tackle and Fireworks in order to bedew myself with Tammy Hilfinger's All Purpose Aftershave, Tonic and Raccoon Poison... I think I'd feel more like I was about to go on a blind date with the prettiest gal in the whole dern methadone clinic... so I just splashed some of the grey toilet water on my face, dropped a quarter in the urinal, and raced on over to the clinic so as not to keep Bootsy waiting.

I saw this sign outside a mall in Albany:
I guess it is indicating to us... "Don't take a dump here." That seems to be kind of an unnecessary sign. What kind of people are going to this mall? I think we all have a collective understanding that we just assume that unless otherwise labeled with the familiar sign:we will not defecate on it. Please, mall shoppers in Albany, do not poo wherever you see fit... it is why, since the dawn of civilization, we have designated areas for functions of human biology.

By the way, this is probably my first and last scatalogical piece... I tend to try my best to bring my blog humor to a more cerebral level, but that sign made me giggle till I fell down.

Every state in this great union of ours has a state slogan. Wyoming's for example is "Like No Place on Earth," New Hampshire's is "You're Going To Love It Here," and New Mexico promotes it as the "Land of Enchantment." Inspiring, no? Well, on a recent drive through West Virginia, I noticed they changed their slogan... it used to read "Wild and Wonderful" - which I think had a nice ring to it... WELL, they have officially changed their state slogan to... "Open For Business"? What is that shit? Yeah, West Virginia, I figured you were... At no point on my drive through on my way to Indiana did I think, "Boy, I hope West Virginia is open... I'd hate to have to go around." That just sounds desperate. It basically says "Hey big corporations, we're open, please set up shop here, we're just as good."

I thought of some other West Virgina slogan possibilities in case they're still looking:

• "West Virginia, it's not that bad."
• "West Virginia, just like Virginia, but to the left"
• "West Virginia, yeah, we're 'Wild And Wonderful' and all that crap, but if you want us to knock down some of these trees to put up a snow mobile factory, just say the word"
• "West Virginia, Let's Fuckin' Do This"
• "West Virginia, Open Late" * editor's note... found out Taco Bell already uses that one.
• "West Virginia, Be Back in 15 Minutes" (signage would have plastic clock with movable hands)

I picked up this form at a Quiznos in Cleveland:

It goes on to read "Own Your Own Quizno's Sub Franchise!" Whoa Quizno's! That's quite a leap in logic... They're suggesting that if I like their subs, and I do, I'll surely enjoy the responsibility of running my own sandwich shop, and I wouldn't. Lord knows how many times I've been sitting in a Quizno's thinking... "This is a savory cheesesteak... I would love to participate in making up Tammy's schedule." or "I am so invested in the zesty flavor of this Black Angus on Rosemary Parmesan Bread Sandwich, that I simply must devote my time and energy to conference calls with "corporate" to determine what our signage budget will be for the quarter." Fuck you Quiznos.

Here's more Quizno's logic: If you like watching "Ferocious" Fernando Vargas box, then you'll surely love BOXING "Ferocious" Fernando Vargas.

If you're into watching football, then perhaps a career in television manufacturing is right up your alley.

If you dig Tom Clancy novels, then you'll jump at the chance to participate in an illegal covert jungle police action whilst rebel militia launch rudimentary coffee can grenades into your sleeping quarters forcing you to impeach your own moral turpitude and gun down your would be assassin despite your convictions against killing a 12 year old girl who's only crime is a misguided love for her people.

And if you love "Dancing With the Stars"... you're probably gay. See post below.

We field a lot of questions here at jessejoyce.com. Some people have written in with the querry "Jesse, am I gay?"

There is no easy answer to that question... you either know or you don't... But I did find a recent photo that I have altered to help... I think there's no more clearer indication of the gay/not gay phenomenon that the photo below. See for yourselves... the gentleman in the background: Not Gay... the gentleman in the foreground, gazing at the gentleman in the background: Gay

I'm in the premier issue of a new magazine about stand up called The Comedians. It's available at comedy spots around New York City and it's also available on the web... It's a great new magazine, and the other four comics featured, DJ Hazzard, Jon Fisch, Becky Donohue, and Roger Hailes are fantastic and worth reading about as well. Check it out at thecomedians.org

And as always, I've posted the article below as well...


“It’s sort of the devil’s bargain you make with stand-up,” Jesse Joyce told me as we sat down at the Astoria Diner (you know, the Greek joint near the furniture store on Steinway. Right...) “I drive everywhere. I book about three weeks at a time. I’ve had a girlfriend for 10 months from Lexington, KY. She just moved to St Louis. If I’m willing to drive 12 hours to Lexington, I’m willing to drive 15 hours to St Louis. Not a big deal. We’d probably annoy each other if we were around each other too much. We talk every night. See each other one week a month. This way, I can do spots until four in the morning.” He paused over his third or fourth cup of coffee. “I still have in the back of my head, ‘I wonder if this relationship will get wrecked as a result of my career.’” I bumped into Jesse two weeks later. He had just been dumped.

Jesse’s a young guy who says he knew going in what it would take to make it in stand-up, the effort involved, and he’s beginning to see that effort pay off. He’s headlining in clubs around the country and recently appeared on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham. “I’m a workhorse. I would find it hard to believe you could find another comic with the work ethic I have. Dane Cook’s the same way (Who?). People think that if you’re a funny guy you can get by. It’s exactly like playing the clarinet. If you practice five times longer, you will be five times better.”

Jesse’s not your average guy. How many straight guys from Pittsburgh do you know that aren’t into football?

He went to Duquesne and started working at the Funny Bone (the only comedy club in Pittsburgh at the time) as a barback. He left as the house MC. As in a lot of smaller markets, he had to leave and come back before he got feature dates. “Then, it was clear that I was a draw, bigger than a lot of the headliners. Now, I headline there. I close pretty much everywhere I go now.”

Out of college, he worked as a designer/writer at an ad agency. He saved ten grand to move to New York and began to go out and do shows every night. “After eight months, I got a job waiting tables at Planet Hollywood one of the worst things I ever did. Then I went to work in the Census Bureau.” These jobs are material now. “Everything in my set, the core is absolutely the truth.”
“I’d temp a couple days a month until about 2 years ago. It took 6 years to get there, with every year getting better. The last year was 80-20. Even then that was unemployment.”

The week I met with Jesse, he had just driven back from Ohio, Indiana and Virginia, had a layover in New York, then up to Boston and back. He had a day to see some friends in town before a drive to Canada, then back to New York, return to Ohio and Erie, Pennsylvania. Some of these shows are unforgettable personal success stories that have him savoring the spotlight and bringing laughter to crowds of strangers who paid to see him do what he enjoys most. Some of these shows are just unforgettable. “The week the USS Cole was bombed. A drunken marine who owned this bar in West Virginia, just before he brought me up, he went on this rant about ‘towel headed sons of bitches who dropped a bomb on us’. He had served for 25 years and he thought we should firebomb the Middle East. Then he introduced me.”

“The most awkward moment for me came as I was wrapping up an awful set and I thought, ‘At least I’ll get ‘em with my closer’. Then, the fire alarm went off at the volunteer fire department next door and everyone ran out of the bar to see. That left just me, standing on this stage with a mic, and the drunken marine. I asked him if I should just get off the stage. He said yes. I didn’t even end the show. I just walked off the stage because there was nobody else left in the room.”
Then there are evenings when higher stakes are involved, like Jesse’s first time in Florida. “It was at The Improv in Ft. Lauderdale, a beautiful 450-seat club. I had just signed with Relevant Entertainment and Rick Dorfman. They have Greg Giraldo, Christian Finnegan, Nick Dipaolo; guys I really respect. I like what they do – and this was the first bone they threw me.”

“The owner’s there. I figure I’ve got nothing to worry about. It’s good money; money I was counting on. Plus, I was working with Dom Irrera! Before I go on, I notice some old people coming in. Just 60 folks. I had never been to Florida before. I thought, ‘Maybe it’s true what they say.’ The place should have been more packed. It was kind of weird. The owner said, 'Bud Freidman’s here.' He used to host Evening at the Improv. I thought, ‘A little more pressure, but who cares.’ The owner said, ‘He’ll go after you. You do your 30 minutes.’ Then I notice, that the host is on stage and he’s eating it. The guy’s funny and I’m thinking, ‘C’mon, pull it together.’ He doesn’t. So I get up there and it’s awful!”

Jesse paused to order more coffee. “If they hated me, I could deal with that because it’s an emotion. They were just indifferent to me. Old ladies are spinning their chairs around the table. I’m watching myself die and the owner’s in the back watching me. So, I scrap the material, try to talk to the audience. They look at me like–‘What? What do you want? We’re on vacation?’ It’s like I’m bothering them. But I have it in the back of my head that I can’t cut my time. So I just eat my dick for half an hour.”

“The owner starts the applause. I get some pity applause. He gave me this ashamed kind of look that says, ‘You’re not very good at this, fella.’ I thought, ‘Holy shit.’ And then, well, I used to drink a lot. I thought, ‘You know what? I’m going to get drunk and watch Dom Irrera and maybe he can explain to me what the fuck happened.’ So Dom gets up and spends the first two minutes of the show dicking on me! Talking about how shitty I was. The MC comes over while I’m drinking, like, a pint of Jack Daniels, puts a hand on my shoulder, as if your wife was making out with another guy, ‘C’mon you don’t need to see this.’ ‘No, I gotta watch.’”

“After the show, Dom looked me right in the eye, didn’t explain anything, and I heard he’s a really nice guy. The next day, the owner said, ‘What happened buddy?’ Like, ‘You’re going to get fired if you don’t do well tonight.’ But it was a normal crowd, and I got an applause break on the second joke and I thought, ‘OK, now I do know what I’m doing.’ After that set, Dom came up to me and said, ‘Hey, I’m just fuckin’ with you.’ I don’t need that shit now, you douche bag! Why didn’t you say it last night when I had a knife to my wrist in the bathtub in the hotel?” Jesse added with a smile, “Every time I tell that, it invokes an acid refluxxy feeling.”

Nowadays, things are different for Jesse. “There is something to be said to being the draw. It’s different if they’re coming to see you as opposed to some dickbag on stage. Appearing on Bob & Tom, (a syndicated radio program out of Indianapolis), has helped. They’re really good at leading you into your bits. For a while they were just using midwestern comics, doing shtick. It is a phenomenal tool for road comics. The rotation is pretty much every five months. The last time I was on was when I was in Madison, WI, a Bob & Tom market. You do their stuff and they continually plug your shows. It packs it there and it packs it everywhere you go for the next three weeks. It’s great. Wherever I go, people tell me they heard me on Bob & Tom.”

“Jesse is awesome. One of the things that sets him apart is that he is polished. There is no humming and hawing or looking at notes. He tours the country and he’s got his set down. And it shows. Audience members often comment to me on what a professional he is. And Jesse can really get a crowd going. He just comes in, guns blazing, and the crowd is buzzing after he’s done. I remember when I first met him and saw him perform. We were doing a show in the basement of a pub/restaurant in the Times Square area in front of, oh, four to six people tops (one of whom had been drinking since 3 o’clock in the afternoon) and I’m thinking, 'How the hell are we going to get any laughs here?' Then, Jesse comes on early in the show and does his set as if he’s in front of 1500 people at Town Hall. The room lights up and the show was amazing. Obviously, that’s when I insisted that he do the next Comedy Igloo. Jesse also happens to be an incredibly nice guy off-stage. -Kevin Janus, host of the Comedy Igloo at St. Mark’s Place

Jesse and I were discussing a Robert Klein belief which speaks to the crux of how Jesse makes his living – “A lot of people are funny. But to do it at a time and place in front of a group of people at their discretion for money, that requires a professional, somebody who can just do it.”

“At college gigs, some kid always says, ‘I’m gonna get up and just bust on people!’ Then you see the color just drain from his face. It comes from doing it a lot. Where I have the confidence to know I’ve done a show for 800 prison guards in the middle of a public park on the back of a flatbed truck at 2 in the afternoon when they were all drunk. If I can do that show, I can get somewhere at any comedy club. You just have to learn all the tricks.”

“I’m really confident before I go on, so I don’t worry about remembering my material. I put it together in chunks. I have plenty to pull from. I don’t ever worry about what I want to say next. I watch the room; observe what the guy before me is saying, try to come up with a quick couple of jokes, make an observation about the room, just try to localize it, maybe a callback; something about the environment.”

“The New York City crowd? It’s a subtle difference. It was more about me adapting. When I first moved here, there were a couple of jokes that I would do on the road, but not here because they were too hokey or dumb. But at this point, I can do every joke in my set and do it anywhere. It’s just a matter of getting my material to the level where I can take the audience and bring them to whatever level I want them to come to. I learned to tell my jokes in a way that they’re referential to pretty much anybody, even if they’re about the Battle of Marathon. I’m pretty proud to say that I’ve done a show in a bar in Pelham, Alabama on a Tuesday. I might have changed the delivery a bit, but I’ve done a lot of the same stuff in The Village. I now know what I sound like and I know what I think is funny and how to read a crowd and bring it to them.”

It didn’t take Jesse long to understand that stand-up, like any business, is about relationships. “Being really good at networking, treating everyone with respect, being cool with everybody. If someone offers you a gig that’s kind of insulting to you based on the level you’re at, don’t be a dick about it to him. A lot of the stuff I’ve gotten has been an indirect result of me doing a stupid fire hall gig in Jersey on a Saturday night. I become friends with a guy, then he pulls me into something else.”

“A lot of it has been through guys who I have mutual respect of as comics. I was making a living as a road comic before I moved here. I had to be willing to take a day job and start over, because nobody gave a shit about me here. This is really the Major Leagues of stand-up. You could be the most impressive guy in Seattle, but nobody gives a fuck about you here. I’ve seen road comics, special event guys, who come here and are unwilling to take a step back, eat a little shit, because nobody knows them here. They feel they’ve already paid their dues. In fairness they probably have, but everybody has to suck it up here. You have to put in the time and stay around.”

With regards to other performers that he's patterned his work off of, Jesse starts with family. “My uncle did stand-up for two years, occasional a one-night feature guy. I saw his tape when I was twelve, I was amazed. Gave me the confidence to know I could do it. I saw Jon Stewart after I’d been performing for two months. It was an interesting time in his life, before The Daily Show, eight to ten years after the Jon Stewart show was cancelled. He was just a road comic. Wore a leather jacket, smoked cigarettes and drank a six-pack of Heineken. It was wall-to-wall genius. I just thought, ‘That’s what I want to be doing.’ Norm McDonald, Brian Regan, Bill Hicks. And then you have to say the classics, like Carlin. But I don’t really like it when guys my age say Carlin or Cosby. Come on, really? It annoys me a little bit. Jeff Caldwell, a local comic, just got a Letterman slot. A random headliner who came into the Funny Bone and we hit it off. He did really smart stuff, that’s what I want.”

Joyce to the World, Jesse’s debut recording, shows why he was so good on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham. He has great timing. He speaks clearly. He’s a likable character on stage and his material is straight ahead with crossover appeal to people from all walks of life. “I knew Comedy Central knew about me for a couple of years, but it really took them about five years before they put me on. I knew I was on couple of people’s list. I ‘m pretty sure Comedy Central put me on their list of people to consider because they had me on the list for Premium Blend. I did the audition and didn’t hear anything for two months. I did ten minutes, seven minutes of evergreen material, three minutes of topical material for Mother Load.”

Clearly, he follows the example of Jay Sankey and his book, Zen and the Art of Stand-Up Comedy, ‘Everything I try onstage must be able to play five years from now in Arizona.’ The material that he draws directly from personal experience is his strength. The punch lines are stronger and more direct.

His demeanor on stage is not exactly happy. He’s fairly intense; eyes open wide, looking for something, the occasional grin between riffs. He brings a sense of urgency to his set, a sense that he’s letting you in on something very important.

His is an inquisitive nature. When he drifts toward the topical stuff, he takes on more of a conversational tone. He’s a bit soft spoken at times. His satire is more thoughtful and clever as opposed to biting. His timing is reminiscent of Richard Jeni and on act-outs his voice takes on a similar twang. However his stuff is less about a wacky world with talking lobsters and more about dealing with his real world, like witnessing a Halloween dance gone wrong when a black Gilligan is fighting a grown man dressed as a box of tissues.

What’s next for Jesse? He’s got his sights set on late night shows like Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson. He’s considering a booking agent, cause ‘I’m always on the phone. It takes a lot of time.’ Then it’s back on the road. He’s off to North Carolina, Delaware, back to New York, then back to North Carolina, over to Pennsylvania, and so on. “I will always do a show. Even if I’m tired, I would rather do a show than not. I have clearly sacrificed a lot. You know, I also lived with a girl for a while, then that fell apart...but I got some good jokes out of it.”To find out where Jesse Joyce is performing or buy a copy of his CD, check out his website, jessejoyce.com

To read the story click this link. Wide Eyed By Steve Barnes, Senior writer The Times Union.

or you can read it below:


The comic Jesse Joyce has large eyes. Actually, they're freakishly huge eyes; in his act, which he's performing this weekend with local funnyman and comedy promoter Greg Aidala, Joyce jokes that his contact lenses could double as cereal bowls. And his eyes are always open so wide that people assume Joyce is amped up on drugs. He's not, which is probably a good thing. He's so naturally wired during a gig, eyes blazing and mouth motoring, that a snort of cocaine surely would induce a heart attack or stroke.

A Pittsburgh native who triple-majored in art history, studio art and communications, the 28-year-old Joyce has been based in New York City for the past five years, though he lately has been on the road for two or three weeks every month. By turns outraged, delighted and puzzled by the people and situations he encounters, Joyce has a view askew enough to make any anecdote or observation surprising. He turns corners you didn't know were there, makes associative leaps both improbable and exactly right. The same guy who riffs on why he had to give up booze will segue into the metaphysical mystery of somehow getting stuck at the back of a traffic jam that he himself caused.
Q:
Your local gig this weekend is in a fire station. Does this make us Podunk in your mind?
A:
There are weird pockets of redneck everywhere, I guess, but you're surprised to run into them in upstate New York. Once I was upstate and this guy told me, "Tell any joke you want: You ain't going to get many of them around here," and he pointed to a poster of (black football great and Pennsylvania gubernatorial candidate) Lynn Swann. I said, "What, successful people?"
Q:
I'm a network executive interested in developing a sitcom starring you. Pitch me a show called "Everybody Loves Jesse's Googly Eyes."
A:
I think in my sitcom I'd be an art history professor struggling with the rest of the faculty who think he has a coke problem, but he doesn't. If I didn't get the part, I'd cast Beaker from "The Muppet Show." We have the same shaped head -- very elongated.
Q:
You're holding a cigarette in half of your publicity photos. Does that make you a rebel or just a hopeless addict?
A:
I quit drinking a year and a half ago, so smoking is the last bastion of bad-ass that I have. Well, I still get up at noon. I eventually realized that didn't have anything to do with being hung over. I'm just lazy.
Q:
What's the furthest you've gone for a laugh?
A:
I never did this, but when I wrote my first set, I thought I'd have a water balloon in my pocket. If a joke bombed, I'd break it, and it would look like I peed myself. But I really never did that. You heard me? I didn't do it.
Q:
What behavior or opinion, seemingly innocuous to the rest of us, would cause you to break up with a woman?
A:
Using "I could care less" improperly. I hate that. It's "I couldn't care less." If you could care less, then do. Care less. I'm a big grammar dork. I correct people all the time. I'm like, "It's the language -- it's how you're supposed to talk."
Q:
What one purchase do you most regret making?
A:
I regret keeping Jack Daniels in business for six years almost by myself.
Q:
By the time this is printed, Election 2006 will be over. Who will win the race for North Dakota's only congressional district, between seven-term Democratic Congressman Earl Pomeroy and his Republican opponent, a farmer named Matt Mechtel?
A:I think it'll be a draw, because they're the only two residents and they'll probably vote for themselves.
Q:
What piece of attire that always looks bad on you do you wish you could wear successfully?
A:
Anything sleeveless. I have tiny stick arms. I've heard you can do push-ups for that, but I smoke and stay up 'til four in the morning, so I don't do push-ups.
Q:
How many children is ideal -- "ideal" for what, I'll leave up to you.
A:
At a show, zero.
Steve Barnes can be reached at 454-5489 or by e-mail at sbarnes@timesunion.com.

I was recently patronizing a Hooters Restaurant in Indianapolis and I witnessed a large, homelessesque, bearded fellow, kind of reminiscent of Peter Jackson if he ever let himself go, (pictured below) letching after a little blonde waitress, easily half his age... which is unsettling enough as is, but he then proceeded to give her what can only be described as a "date rape back massage" without the "dating." (see below)The look on her face is the look of complete physical disconnect, a device the subconscious only employs when the body goes through something so viscerally discomforting that it removes the self from the action as a coping mechanism. It is a look one will only see in the dying eyes of a fallen comrade or a 20 year old college student in bitsy orange short pants while being involuntarily chafed with the chubby, bewhiskered, wing sauce marinated knuckles of a 53 year old box car transient because text books and pina colatas are costly and she has an above average rack.

It's a disturbing image, but a brilliant piece of undercover photojournalism on my part, if I do say so myself. By the way, moments after this photo was taken, I did shoot the hobo Peter Jackson a contemtpious look... I think I made my point.

By the way... for those who are vexed and may navigate away from this page to seek out the answer to the nagging question that has been running through your minds since the beginning of this post, rather than reading on to other hilarious previous blog entries, this is Peter Jackson.

now read on dear bloggees...

I just did a comedy club in North Carolina... Like most comedy clubs they had the likenesses of various famed comics festooning the walls of the club. I've been involved in the comedy business for about 9 years now and have been a student of it for many more... I am hard pressed to think that there is someone out there that has made a lasting enough impression on the business to be deemed worthy of being garnish on a smoke stained comedy club wall I am not aware of... or so I thought...

Here were the images adorning the walls...

The first of which is George Carlin... I get that one...

Kinison... makes sense

Steve Martin... right on.

and then of course there's Andrew Carnegie??? The homestead steel strike... fucking hilarious.

I encountered this at a gas station in Cramerton North Carolina:

It's a "Live Bait" vending machine... and it was the ONLY vending machine. I wanted to stop and purchase a Dr. Pepper... I was initially disappointed, but I was surprised to discover how refreshing a styrofoam container of carolina jittercrickets could be after a long drive.

They're re-airing my Live At Gotham appearance... at 2am tues. the 26th... that will be prime time... in the Solomon Islands. So if you're in the Solomon Islands, tune in... or if you have tivo, just set it...

Me on Live At Gotham.

I challenge any adult heterosexual male to try and order this: with a straight face... and without then giving your phone number out to a dude. I think it's impossible. I've always thought muffins were kind of gay, but this is undoubtably the gayest muffin imaginable... unless there's a muffin called "man ass" I think the Banana Chip Yogurt Muffin wins. Not that there's anything wrong with any of this... I am just insecure enought to not order a muffin because it has a "gay name." What's wrong with me?

Hey everybody, I'm part of the "distinguished panel of experts" in a new book out right now in the "Complete Idiot's Guide series called "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes." I'm in it throughout the book with advice and several jokes from my set. Here's a quote from the author Larry Getlen:

"The book will contain over 1,500 jokes from the funniest comics in the biz and advice for laypeople on how to tell a joke from a distinguished panel of experts including Dave Barry, Tony Hendra, Wendy Liebman, Penn Jillette, Jonathan Ames, Mark Katz, Patton Oswalt, Leo Allen, Eugene Mirman, Mitch Fatel, Kerri Louise, Christian Finnegan, Brian Kiley, DC Benny, Lisa Lampanelli, David Lee Roth, Steve Hofstetter, Jim Florentine, Ted Alexandro, Jesse Joyce, Tim Cavanagh, John Marshall, the folks at Shecky Magazine, and more." Pick it up at bookstores anywhere...

That's right... I just today drove past a highway exit in the Commonwealth of Virginia called Gum Spring / Goochland. I'm basing this stereotypical reaction that it's maybe a little redneck-ey exclusively on the names of the places, but hot damn... People think about it when you scrawl out your town charter... no one is going to trust anyone with their doctorate from Goochland University. And Gum Springs sounds like the site of some factory explosion... The Great Gum Springs Disaster of 1844.

Sorry for not posting recently... I've been in several hotels in the past few weeks that promises NEXT week they'll have wireless. Good for the comedians in town next week.

What would you call the vehicle with no markings indicating that it is an official police cruiser responsible for transporting suspected Jon Bennet murder and child molester John Mark Karr to jail so he can await trial, if it left him at a gas station en route after stopping for a bathroom break?



An Un-MarkED Karr unmarked car! HA! Sorry for wasting your time.

I just got back from my trip to LA and there was something I noticed that strikes me as an interesting difference between New York and LA... You see limos traversing the streets... the difference is, when you see one in New York, you are likely to think:

"I wonder what they do?"

In L.A. however, if you see a limo speeding by, you are inclined to think:

"I wonder what dumb reality show they were on?"

If you see a limo cruising around Toledo, OH, where I'm going next week, you're likely to think:

"I wonder who's prom they're going to?"

If you see a limo zipping around the tiny, unstable African military state of Zanzwibigo you are likely to wonder:

"What are Brad and Angelina up to now?"

And if you see a limo speeding around Beirut, you're most inclined to ponder:

"I wonder how long before a Rocket Propelled Grenade gets blasted through the window of that capitalist animal?"

I have been in LA for the week doing shows and thusly have not been able to get to a computer all that often to post blogs... I promise once I get back to New York next week, they will resume.
Until then, here's something that amused me... A buddy and I went hiking in the Hollywood hills today and came across two adjacent signs:


I encounter vehicles just about every day. It's not so much the traffic I'm worried about... tell me more about this deadly poisonous snake situation... I think that "Watch for rattle snakes" deserves top billing over "watch for resident backing from driveway." Maybe Samuel Jackson could just pop out and warn us that there are "mutha fuckin' vehicles on this mutha fuckin' hill" ... you thought I was going to go with snakes didn't you?

I saw this in Virginia... which is not an "inappropriate place" per se, but it's more the nature of this sticker. Kind of ironic I think, because wasn't it the goal of the confederacy to disassociate with America? If you're a Confederate American, then you're not a very good Confederate. It negates itself... it's kind of like having a personalized beer cozy saying "Property of Dennis Twitty, Member, Alcoholic's Anonymous since 1993" or being a Jew for Jesus...

My brother Matt and I are very close, but couldn't be any more different. My brother is an Army Ranger, he studies Kali (Philipino knife fighting) and is fluent in Mandarin Chinese... so my brother basically is Jason Bourne (see below)... and I am a dirtbag nightclub comedian.

The thing that amuses me the most about our family is that our parents are completely normal suburbanites... they're usually in bed by 10 and when they go to bed... it must be with a sense of complete bewilderment as to "What the fuck happened with those two?"

You see, from my parent's perspective, it's a constant worry, because on any given night when they drift off to sleep, they have to worry because either of their sons stand an equal chance of getting stabbed in the neck with a bottle.

I use myspace a lot to invite people to shows I have coming up and let people know about important career updates... Employing a bit of myspace sociology, I have, in the past, in order to save time, opted to maximize my chances of getting a turnout by sending a note to women. It's a generic note I've composed inviting anyone to come out, and I just add their name. I choose to do so, because I believe people are more likely to open a note from someone of the opposite sex, and mostly because women are just nicer about that kind of thing. But mostly I do it because 90% of male myspace users have a profile with some variation of this photo
with a name like "Officer Cupcake" or "12 inches oughtta shut you up" or "King Teabag." and I have just a little too much pride to take a look at that photo and compose a note like "Hey there King Teabag! I just thought you might want to check out a comedy show." That way I don't have to suffer the indignity of some dude like this:calling himself "Buck Naked" sending me a message back with some variation of "Comedy is Gay." I refuse to subject myself to recieving notes from someone like this:
identifying himself as "Thug Dealer" informing me that I'm a fag. I'm just inviting you to a comedy show, I'm not asking you to send me a picture of your balls. And that's why I typically send invites to women.

You can still check out my Live At Gotham appearance on Comedy Central on my myspace page myspace.com/jessejoyce... Just click on the image to go there.

Jesse Joyce on Live At Gotham

You know what irritates me? People who leave their bluetooth phone thingy in their ear when they're at a restaurant. I saw this jackass having lunch with someone at a Chinese buffet in Huntington West Virginia.
You're not a cyborg, take that shit out of your ear. You're with another person who's right in front of you... why don't you anticipate conversation with him. I am assuming that he's about to get a call identifying the whereabouts of Sara Connor so he can terminate her and prevent her son John from being born. That's the only acceptable reason for him to have a tiny phone wedged in his ear.

I once overheard a conversation at a bar where the topic of Mt. Rushmore came up, and I almost wish I hadn't. The gentleman in question was the kind of stupid that I think only happens when you plummet six stories and your head breaks your fall, we'll call him "Koala IQ"... His comrade was speaking of a recent trip to Mt. Rushmore and was asserting how impressive he found it to be... and Koala IQ ejaculated "Isn't it amazing what nature can do?"

As though this was a NATURAL OCCURANCE. And you know what's sad... he gets to vote for the presidents just like these ones... and his vote counts just as much as yours does.

I once again donned my trusty sock ornamented with googely eyes, and had the sock explain to him that Mt. Rushmore was sculpted... by the same fellas who carved the Grand Canyon.

is the sobriquet of the Southern United States that seceded from the Union over issues like states rights and slavery. They adopted their own flag and instituted their own capitol over which it flew in Richmond Virginia.

The civil war was a dark chapter in American history, an embittered war, the effects of which still remain. The Rebel Flag as it is also know has come to be considered kind of a negative symbol as is so closely associated with slavery.

Most importantly, and here's where I get to my point... the Klan has adopted it as one of their symbols, to insinuate their racist agenda. So, I'm sorry Dixie, while you do in fact have a proud and rich history of being a determined, principled, hard working, hearty people, once the Klan has adopted it as a symbol, you can't have it anymore. If the Klan started carrying around Hello Kitty lunchboxes, then the same would apply... it would send a mixed message if your kid brought one to school. And you might think you look really great with a cute little tooth-brushy moustache,

but unfortunately, once it gets tied to hate, you can't have it anymore.

I can understand why people in the region known as Dixie might still fly it as it may have some family history associated with it, but take a look at these:

I found this one flying high over a residence near Mt. Pleasant Michigan. That's right, Michigan... consult the map above. This one was on a truck in a Super Cuts parking lot. And yes, that license plate is from WISCONSIN. Check the map again. That's right, the same "Near Canada" Wisconsin.

I did some more research and found this...